Sun Shining

It’s sunny out today and the temp is supposed to close to 50 degrees. I’ll get to see when I go to lunch if it really is nice out. I cannot wait for spring! We had a bonfire last night and it was fun. With the snow on the ground though it wasn’t as much fun as it is when there isn’t any snow.

Everyday I come home from work the kids have been playing with their neighbor friend Jesse. Trying to get them to come home to eat or say hi to me, it’s difficult. So it’s been nice that I’ve been able to relax and watch t.v. each day. Trying not to eat! I’ve started a good track of eating since the stress started and I would like to keep some of my old habits gone. So watching t.v. without the kids and the fun, fun mentality without grabbing some chips or a sweet. Not as hard cause lately food doesn’t have as much appeal but at the same time, trying to have one poptart for a treat and not eating the two in the pack, hard. ;0) I miss my kids though. Silly huh. I think I miss them more for the changes that may have to take place in a few months. The idea of them staying with Dad for a few nights instead of me…… what! Krissy would never have opted to do that, but boys now they are different. I guess they prefer Dad at times. Who knew…..

If I could get on some kind of exercise kick that would be best. I could use something to get my mood uplifted and I really recognize that it should be some kind of exercise. Even if it’s just to get out and take a walk. I sit all day at work and then to go home and lay down all night, not good. It’s a miracle any more weight has come off. I do miss going to the pilates studio. Maybe with some of tax refund, I should get some classes out of the deal.

But I love the sun, it can instantly bring my mood up, I think I’ll go outside soon for lunch and enjoy.

Christmas in March

It’s amazing what a full cupboard will do for your spirit!

Got some good news yesterday, we were approved for medical and food support! Yahoo! These nagging medical bills can finally be taken care of and God has rained down more blessings upon us. I am so beyond grateful, I cannot tell you. When you only have one income and it’s really not the best paid income for a family of 5, little things like groceries become such a burden. Hmm we really could use more milk and bread but I also NEED gas in my car so I can go to work. Or buying the bread and milk and wondering if your spending your rent…… these are worries no one should have to be worried about. We live in such a weathly country with food and money. Things could always be worse, I tell myself all the time.

We got the news in the mail and I checked online for the amounts. Wow we have never spent that much even when we had money I don’t think in a month! Well maybe at one point we came close. To say the county has been generous is an understatement. I felt like it was Christmas and we all went shopping together as a family. Fun! Kids got to pick out the cereals they liked, we got stuff we don’t get anymore like go-gurt and pea pods and sweet potato chips! I don’t know if the kids noticed it like I did and of course I didn’t tell them. But it was fun. And I almost had a feeling of guilt. I’m not sure why??? Guilty for having so much more than we usually do or having to use the system? Trying to tell myself it’s okay and feel good that we don’t have to wait for the next pay day.

I can’t tell you to not have that worry about if we have enough, or what kind of dinner can we make with the things left in the cupboard….. it’s so huge! To be able to run to the store and pick up more lunch meat or butter without any thought about it, so nice! And to be able to bring the kids to the doctor if they don’t feel good and not wait a few days. Wait to see if anything more develops or wait to see if the temp comes down. Oh it’s so wonderful to just call the doctor and make the appointment without trying to budget $100 upfront costs.

Now I can concentrate on how to keep us in Bayport for another year! God is moving so much in my life right now, I am feeling so much better.

Spring Break 2011

Spring Break is here for my kids. It’s so hard to be the only person that has to be up and doing something today. I still get to work. Yipee, my kids can stay up later than me this week. I think they love that. I feel a little lonely being the one missing out on the fun they must be having. I try to remind myself that while I think this way, reality is it’s just like the weekends, what should we do? Where should we go? Having more than one child we try to keep the expenses low as well as we don’t have a ton to spend lately. So it can be challenging. The weather is going to be wonderful this week however so they can have some outdoor adventures.

My one friend doesn’t worry about what the kids will be doing. She goes about what she needs to do on a daily basis, cleaning around the house and making meals. She lets the kids play with each other or do their own thing for the most part. Sure she still plans some fun activity or going out once in a while. But it’s such a different perspective than mine. That’s how I grew up, my parents didn’t worry about entertaining me. They didn’t even plan any fun activities for me to go and do. I think one summer vacation I was able to take part in a school summer camp program for a week, that was fun. But that’s about it. No family get aways. I just had to play outside or find something to do with my sister. We turned out fine. So why am I so burdened with entertaining my kids.

Could I turn into my friend and let it go. Hmm, such a tempting thought. Especially with summer break on the horizon. What the heck will we do this summer. I love my kids, I do, I just don’t always know what to do with them.

One nice thing I can focus on now though, next week is my school’s spring break in which I work. So while my kids will have to go to school, I will be home all day without them. Now what should I do for my spring break? ;0)

A Gift From God

Amongst all of my current struggle, God has once again shown me he is walking beside me. Or like the poem, "Footprints," I prefer to think of him as carrying me right now. A gift from him to show he is still there and he cares.

When I went from full time to part time at my current job, I was told that the health and dental benefits were going to become a bigger deduction. All those full time employees get the luck. ;0) So I had to drop my health coverage as it would cost me more to keep it than I would make in the month. I kept my dental for the family and decided it was worth the cost to keep that coverage. Sure my checks were a little bit less but then going from full time to part time no matter how you look at it, it sucked paywise.

My accounting person asked me into her office the other day. Let me know that she had always felt like my deductions for dental was too high. She had been researching this for some time and finally decided that indeed I was paying too much each pay check for my dental.

This accounting person is one that when we first started working together after I went part time, we didn't get along very well at all. I must have done or said something that rubbed her the wrong way and for a long time I was on her shit list. It was an awful time, but eventually we had a project to work on together and that brought us back into a talking and civil relationship. I still keep her at a distance just in case that should ever happen again but we talk more now. So it surprised me that all the while even when I was on her shit list that she would be looking into getting me more money per paycheck.

Then she broke the news, she was going to request a check for me for almost $500.00. What! Wow, what a blessing. I just knew it was God and looking out for me at a time when I needed to hear some good news. And during a time in which I could totally use the extra money.

I had been asking God to speak to me. I almost believe he would literally speak to me, and I think the thought of it spooked me out a little. And then this happened and I think, God knew this wouldn't scare me as much.

I need to remind myself to keep looking for these kinds of things and even though some of them may be small, there are many around if I just look.

Stressed

My body is so tense. All the afterschocks from last week I suppose. I'm not sleeping well and not eating well. The only time in my life that I wouldn't care if I lost weight, most of the time I can't figure out the best way to lose weight and now I'm losing and I don't care. Well I do care, I would rather lose weight a more legitimate way beside worrying it off.

And why worry, I have no control over much of what is happening. So why worry. I tell myself this all the time and yet it doesn't seem to help. I fall asleep thinking happy thoughts and feeling tired and ready to sleep. Then my subconscience must do a number on me and tell me oh no your not feeling better and it wakes me up before I can hit deep sleep.

I'm a mess! What can help with all this stress. How can I just sleep and not let my husband's problems affect me!

For better or worse and I really wasn't thinking worse meant all this.............. I probably wouldn't have taken the vow in the first place knowing this........

Today was better than the last few days. Pray that each day will get better and better and I get tougher and tougher.

It's Raining

What do you do when your life is falling apart?

How do you experience a loss, a death, an unexpected illness, a job loss, anything in stride? When everyone around you is moving at such a fast pace and everything is good for them, you feel like your stuck in that one spot and you want to yell, "hey don't you see me, I'm drowning!"

Rely on God. Pray. Go to your faith. I often wonder when I'm singing the lyrics to my favorite christian songs in church and I'm so moved by the words. I really feel them in that moment. I really mean them in that moment. I'd give it all up for you, Lord....... and you think that too. If I lost everything, all my possesions it would be okay. The Lord would make it all okay. I've lost my house, my cars, jobs, loved ones and more and I can tell you that in that time, I held tight to it all. I thought about those words to my songs and thought, this is not as easy as I had thought. I don't really want to lose it. I need it. It's so painful.

How much loss can a person take? The Lord only gives you what you can bear. So interesting. I feel like I can't bear anymore. This life is one disaster to another and in between you get gifts of some happy memories. Is that really enough to make it through those disasters.

I just feel like I am so alone. And I don't know how to shake that. No matter who I tell or how much support I get, I'm still so alone. I do feel like the Lord is watching over me, but I really wish he'd shine a spotlight on the path I'm supposed to follow.

I feel betrayed. If when I decided to follow the Lord I would have been told the road would be like this, would I have still done it? I don't think people really get it when the bible talks about taking up your cross. And yet life could be so much worse.

I just wish I could laugh and feel normal. I know over time this will happen again. I just wish God would make that peace so loud inside me.

Saturday 2-26-11

It's saturday and I have not blogged in forever. Mainly cause I no longer have my really cool phone. My phone that takes all the pics I want and I can send to my email and download here.
;0( Oh how I miss my phone. I tried to cut corners yet again and I went down to a pre-paid. It's nice I have T-mobile and it's an unlimited texting for $15 a month. what a deal! I just don't have a camera and I haven't put minutes for talking, I never can talk on the phone anyway.
Funny I don't miss that as much. But I do miss being able to take and send pics.

It's snowing again today. I cannot believe it! I'm so tired of the snow. I am at the library with the boys. I love that they can play on the computer beside me while I type. So nice as they grow older. We are going to pick up some groceries today, always love being able to fill the cupboards. And then we're going to get some free pizza! I found two coupons from two different places and I thought oh yea, I'm going to use these.

I usually let them expire. Crazy! Krissy's cousin is playing at a local coffee shop in Oakdale. Thinking about going there to hear, might be fun. But if I'm full from pizza I don't know if that's a good combo. ;0)

Dj has a court date monday. This is one for an actual trial. He is so deep into this whole new idea he has about the whole system that I really do not like the idea of him going to court all the time. I am so tired of it. What can I do, he has this idea in his head and he's going to go with it. It's hard to be the supportive wife. How long can one do that? I just want to cry thinking about all the stress it causes. And why he doesn't see it that way. Praying God will keep him from doing any real damage.

Well I guess that's all for now. I'm going to enjoy my weekend and my kids and my pizza. Since I"m at the library I'm going to get some movies. ;0) Trying to stay off of pop but pizza without pop is going to be hard! Wonder if I should cave just for tonight.