Thursday, May 5, 2011

So Dj goes to court next Friday. It’s one week. It felt like this day was so far away and now it’s practically here. Next week is bound to go fast. I just wish we could slow time way down and really never get to that day. Or I wish it was over and done with and we could just get on with whatever is going to happen already.

This week has been bad. Started on Sunday. I was a little nervous to go to my coffee date with my girlfriends, not unusual, I just figured it would get better once I got there. And on the one hand it did get better and on the other hand, I just couldn’t wait to get home and hide under my blankets. And that’s pretty much what I did.

I went home and got a bunch of things cleaned up real quick and then had a melt down. Which resulted in the kids playing with neighbor friends and me staying in bed and watching two movies.
I don’t know why my body responds this way.

This whole week at work has been impossible. Seems to be the worst as I drive in to work, I feel like I’m literally going to die. I’m going pass out at the wheel and then die. I know this is not reasonable and has never even remotely happened but it still haunts my mind.

Once at work it gets a little better. But still it almost feels like I’m clinching too much in my shoulders. I tell myself to relax and it helps and then it builds again. All I’ve really been able to do is go home and rest each night after work. I really should be trying to exercise so I can get my brain back in order.

Even though I feel like I’m okay and I feel like things will be okay no matter what happens. My body still feels stressed I guess.
So instead of feeling like a lunatic. I’m pulling out my stupid anxiety CD’s and I’m going to try St. John’s wort for a while. If that doesn’t help then I’m going to the doctor. I’m tired of this game. I’m tired of always feeling like this. I just want to live and not think. I just want to be strong. And I guess trying to do it naturally just isn’t working. So pray that I can buck up and feel better through next week. For my kids sake.

1 comment:

  1. Dang girl, I would definitely go to the doctor instead of trying to beat this the natural way. I totally think you're suffering from something only a doctor can help you with. In fact I think you should print off a couple of these blog entries so they can understand just how your daily living is impacted by whatever is going on with you. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers as always. I hate to keep saying it'll get better, but you really should see the doctor. I'm worried for you.