Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Scare of My Life

Saturday we went to my husband's brother's house in Alexandria. It's a good 2 1/2 hours away. We decided to take the trip for the night and return sunday so we could spend his birthday with him. We could have stayed longer but Krissy had to work. And while I didn't mind her finding a ride to work, I wasn't sure about having her stay home alone. She's 16 and she has 18 year old friends from work. So I decided to cut the trip shorter and have her come along. We would make it home in time for her to work sunday.

Lovely trip and lovely time. We got home sunday in enough time for her to take a shower and get ready and fed. Then I dropped her off. She was to work only 6 hours and her friend from work was going to bring her home.

At 10:30 that night as I'm setting down to watch a movie, I get a call from her friend Emily. Emily is supposed to be spending the night after Krissy gets done. She tells me I need to come to KFC right away. Okay, I say, thinking maybe her ride fell through. Then she says, Krissy passed out and had a seizure, the ambulance is on it's way. What!? My body runs cold. My heart starts to pound. Is this for real or what? She doesn't say anything else. So I tell her I'll be right there.

I run downstairs to tell my sleeping husband, what is going on. He tries to ask me questions but I just leave. I don't have time to answer him, I need to get to my daughter.

Please God protect Krissy, please don't let anything bad come from this....... I say this over and over in the car. Trying to keep myself as calm as possible and telling myself she needs me to be strong and show up. How I didn't get hysterical and break down, how I didn't allow myself to cry. I did call my mom and my sister and probably scared them something awful.

As soon as I get to the parking lot, the ambulance is there. I run over to it and pound on the doors and windows. They motion for me to come to the door on the other side. I go right in and I ask Krissy, what happened? She looks at me bewildered, "what do you mean?" I tell her she passed out, does she remember? Again Krissy says, "No I didn't pass out, I'm fine." I look confused at the paramedics. What happened? They tell me they are still trying to figure out what all happened. From what they found out, Krissy was doing dishes and she passed out. Her co-workers think she had a seizure.

I answer the questions of the paramedics. They ask if she has any history of drug abuse? I say no! They tell Krissy if she is on any drugs that they need to know, she won't be in trouble but they need to know everything she has taken. And they ask me to step out so she can talk to them and feel safe to be able to talk. So I step out. Drugs??? The nerve of them not to believe me with my daughter that she wouldn't take drugs! I guess that does happen in life but with my daughter really she tells me too many things about her life. And that should probably be bad that she doesn't fear me and getting in trouble. I have always had the philosophy that if I don't react to anything, whether it be good or bad, just take in information and listen and then wait. Then I can make sure I am not going to say anything I will regret and make a plan of action.

At this point I am feeling less scared cause she is up and talking. I still don't know what caused it and is there something seriously wrong??? I go inside her work and I feel like I'm about to explode. Surely they know something, maybe one of her 18 year old friends gave her something? I don't know why but I was ready to point fingers. I ask them what happened? I ask if they gave her anything, saw anyone give her anything or if they saw her take anything? I explain the paramedics think she took something. They all say no, she was fine and she only mentioned being tired, really tired. They explain to me that she was washing dishes, then she suddenly looked up at the ceiling, her friend Emily was with her and thought she was looking at a bug or something. Then she looked like she was following the bug around in a circle until she fell down on the floor. Her manager came around the corner at that point and saw her on the ground and stepped into action! He put a towel under her head and sat beside her so she wouldn't hurt herself, to him it looked like she was having a seizure. Then she opened her eyes and wondered why they were all there and she was on the floor? She couldn't tell them the year and her name so they figured they better still have the paramedics come. I thank them for helping her and I go back outside.

I go back out to the ambulance. The paramedic advises that we bring her to the hospital and check her out. I agree. I follow them to the hospital. Lakeview, the best hospital in the world by the way!

Once inside the hospital, while we are telling the nurse what happened. Her friend Emily came with me. Emily recalls the entire story, Krissy listening intently. Krissy starts to heart brokenly cry, it broke my heart. She truly does not remember what Emily is saying and she is scared. She is really starting to worry something major must be wrong with her.

I go and hug her and she clings to me and doesn't let go. She lets me hold on to her for a long time and letting her cry. A moment that she will forget in time but for me, I will hold on to this memory forever. My baby needing my comfort.

So say it simple, she was tested and checked over. The doctor did not find any reason for her to have fainted. He strongly felt she did not have a seizure. While we waited, Krissy and I were talking about a sleeping pill her cousin gave her and then she didn't get much sleep. The doctor felt exhaustion definately played a key in fainting. Luckily this scared her and she will not be taking anything from anyone for any reason again.

I praise God she is alive and she is well. I praise God for a good learning situation. I praise God for the co-workers she had with her that night. Her supervisor used to be a nurse and knew exactly what to do and didn't waste any time taking care of her. I am thankful that God held her during that time and continues to.......... It was by far the scariest moment of my existence that I hope to never repeat. And I am very thankful for her friend Emily, I could not have made it through that night without her. I was less nervous and scared. She kept me company and made Krissy laugh.

Work Enemy

Okay so that's a bit strong!

My current supervisor at work asked me to create a flyer for our school's choir program. So I did. The principal liked it but wanted to jazz up the words a little bit. So she asked me to ask my supervisor what her opinion would be for jazzing it up. Here is what I created:

Doesn't really matter what the words say....... Now my supervisor takes a look and this is what she does, keep in mind it's all the same wording (that's what she's supposed to be jazzing up):

Now I like her version of the flyer and it's definately jazzed up! Our principal liked it too and went with hers. Trying not to have hurt feelings all over the place!

I worked on mine yesterday when I could have been doing other things. I did exactly what was asked of me from both of them and then she ends up doing the whole thing anyway??? What!!!

So I have no one to vent to, so I am venting to you! I just think it's crazy.

Thanks for listening....

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

13 Pounds

I am down 13 pounds and counting!

Seems to have taken soooooo long to get here. I started weight watchers in May and I guess that averages about a pound a week. Although it's not been like that each week, good thing it's an average. Would love for it to be more.

Considering I have had a hell of a summer and really hit rock bottom, emotionally. And given that it's summer and I usually love all the ice cream and fun treats with my kids, this is really not too bad. I also started summer really exercising with walking and since July when I had my breakdown, I have not started that back up.

So I'll take it! I don't care. I can see results, in my clothes and in my body. I don't think my friends and others that see me more often would notice though yet.

In the past the most I've lost with weight watchers is 15 pounds. So it feels good to be embarking on that number again!

Here's a tacky picture of me, so you can see! It's like the teeny boppers do with their pictures on their phones. But it gives you an idea!

Here's to another 13 sooner!

Friday, August 12, 2011

How I met My Husband

I've been married before. This is my second marriage. I was married practically out of high school to someone I thought I was madly in love with, oh to be young and in love. We had a baby girl together, that's the best thing that came out of that relationship for me. We ended up divorced a year later. Just too young and trying to have a baby was just too much for us.

I was 20 when I became a mother and a single parent. I spent the next 7 years raising Krissy. I really enjoyed being on my own and making all decisions for us. We had our own apartments through the years. It was challenging but it was a good learning experience. I learned so much about myself during this time. I was lonely. I think all single people experience that lonliness and have some kind of desire to be with another person. Especially with a child. I know I always felt that having a male role model around would be more balancing.

When I was 27 and Kris 7, I met Dominique. I didn't have much time and I wasn't meeting anyone special. I had some relationships through the years and I really tried not to have Krissy around them unless it became serious. I think she met only a couple of men. So I decided I would go online and try online dating. My friend was on different dating websites but I didn't like how it was set up. I didn't want to meet some scary dude and was looking for more of a filter. I was reading a book, gosh I don't even remember what it was about. But they promoted the website, So I went there. It had a really good filter system. You had to fill out a questionnare about yourself and what you were about and what you were looking for etc. etc. Hundreds of questions and then they would match you up with people that were similiar to you. That was their thought, the more you had in common proved for a longer lasting relationship.

I met a few guys on that website. They were always pretty funny and in emails and on the phone before meeting there was always a spark but then in person, the men weren't attractive to me. One day this match came up, his name was Dominique. Hmmm that's weird, he has the same name as me? Or did they match me up to myself? I've not ever met another Dominique, sure Monique's or Dominic's but not the same spelling and pronounciation. When I read the bio and realized he was an electrician, I thought this isn't me. Okay, I need to meet him.

I joked with my mom, wouldn't that be funny if we ended up getting married? We'd both have the same name. Ha ha ha. We emailed and talked on the phone for a few weeks before we decided to actually meet. And then we decided to meet.

It was a school night, or work night. He had just gotten off of work and warned me he was coming from the work site. That seemed fine to me, we met at Perkins in Shakopee. He was living in Le Seuer and I was in Minneapolis so this seemed like a good spot to meet. My first impression was, he was a little dirty from work...... ha ha ha but then his blue eyes were dazzling and his dimples were so handsome with his smile. He used to smile all the time and it made people wonder what was going on, what made him smile so....... He lit up my world.

We had coffee for him, pop for me and we talked for hours. He just sat there when I spoke and smiled at me almost like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, well that's how it made me feel. When we left the Perkins, in the parking lot as we said goodbye, he pulled me in for a kiss. Not in a forceful way but in a way that took total direction and he put his hands around my face and pulled me in for that kiss. I loved it!

There was definately a spark and an attraction,I knew I would marry him. And when we called each other that night, he also shared with me he felt the Lord had put us together.

We had a few other dates and they were filled with passion and love and we were just so convinced we were meant to be together we started talking marriage right away. I let him meet Krissy. She liked him from the start and seemed excited about us starting a family. I got to meet his youngest son, Josh. He was 3 at the time. One of our dates with the kids stand out in my mind, we went to Bridgeman's for dinner and when I reached for my purse to pay, he said, let me bless you and he paid. So sweet and romantic.

He was a christian with a very good testimony, he had been broken before from the Lord as I had been in my life. So we shared a lot of the same values and had so much in common.

A month after we met, we were at an indoor park in Edina with Krissy. He gave me a card to read and it was filled with beautiful comments about his love for me and Krissy. He called Krissy over to us and then pulled out a present for me. It was a ring! He asked me to marry him and I said without hesitation, yes!!!

After three months of knowing each other, we got married by the justice of the peace. It was perfect for us as we had both had the big wedding to do and this time we had family surrounded and we got married. He made me feel at home. Like with him, I could take on the world.

We have had many up's and down's in our 9 years together. And three months of knowing someone is generally not long enough, but even if I had known him for three years, I would still have married him. He is a wonderful person and has been an excellent father and I would do it all over again.

Good One

I read this in my e-newsletter from Evergreen Community Church, my favorite, and I wanted to share, it's a good one!

Hard to picture how our Father sees us and not sure I fully agree on this perspective, however to think about it differently, that's what was a good eye opener for me!

by Tim Weber

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1 (NIV)

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the different character aspects of God. It's very easy for me to picture God as a person who teaches me things; a person who will take my life, my choices (even bad ones) and do something wonderful with them. I can easily picture God as a father who lovingly directs and disciplines me; someone who is a very involved in my life, but perhaps a little distant and not super personal. It's more difficult for me to grasp the reality that I am a child of God. He's my daddy! Do I see Him as a loving dad that smiles when he thinks of me? Do I see Him as a dad that deeply longs to spend time with me and bends a knee to listen to what I want to say to Him? As a dad who is truly proud of me? Or a dad who sees me as I am, yet still loves me unconditionally and perfectly in every way? How about a dad that doesn't even remember my past mess ups and lives as though they never even happened? A dad that is with me every moment of my life and passionately wants me to win in life! Seeing God through this lens seems a little tougher at times. Our failures can lead us to miss this real and accurate picture of our heavenly father. And when we do, it greatly effects our outlook on life, our joy, our hope, how we view our circumstances, and even how we view other people.

I want to simply remind you of the amazing truth that if you are born again, you are a child of the most amazing daddy the world has or will ever know. Nothing you can or will ever do will change to even the smallest extent the character of God or the ultra-pure and perfect love that He has for you!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Broken hearts and teenagers

My daughter's heart is broken again......

I wonder why she doesn't listen to my words of wisdom, telling her to just work on herself and don't date anyone for awhile. Learn more about yourself and what you like, what you don't like. Don't let any man define you.

And yet her focus is on love again. Why does this happen to her every time she asks me..... Why indeed. Maybe it's the pattern of guy she falls for and doesn't even know it? Nothing I say, she wants to hear. And no words of wisdom are falling on her ears.

I know myself at that age, I didn't want to listen to my mom or my friends. My focus as always getting people to like me and looking for love. Maybe we all are like that at times.

It's hard to watch your child do it again and again. It's hard to see the broken heart over and over and remembering myself to those times. Wishing she would rise above it all and decide she is more important than all of that. Build her confidence. Her self esteem.

Someday she'll figure it out. And I pray she will be better for all that she's gone through. Just in the mean time, it's hard to watch the drama.

I wonder if my boys will be similar? Or will they be like these boys she is dating...... I hope I can instill some wisdom in them and they'll listen.

We'll see.....

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Sick in the summer time

So Dj is sick today. He's had a temp and body aches the last couple of days. So I asked my mom to watch the kids today so he could rest. Luckily she agreed!

The boys were so excited to go see Gramma! They packed a whole bunch of toys and stuff for her house. They even packed their swimming trunks in case they got to go to the wonderful kiddie pools in Minneapolis. The temp today was going to get to 77 degrees and I haven't been outside yet, but I can't imagine it was that hot to go swimming but they did!

They love going to Gramma's house and that makes me feel so much better when I have to go to work.

Before the day started Gideon got sick. Threw up and had a headache. I wasn't sure if it was allergies with all that mucus he swallowed during the night and morning, car sickness or if there is some kind of bug going around! Gabriel had gotten a temp and a cough on friday, I had thought it was related to his asthma but maybe I need to bust out the germx!

He felt better as soon as he got to Gramma's house. Phew!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

funny things my kids say

its funny how the kids will say something and i'll think it's so cute but then i don't write it down and it gets lost. my memory for some reason is terrible! i'll be like like that lady in the movie "the notebook." my husband will have to print my blog and read it to me to tell me about my life.

which reminds me.... i should start blogging some fun things that happen so my life won't seem like it was all a downer. :o)

so the funny thing gabriel said.....

mom i'm gonna miss gideon when he dies. gabe what if he doesnt die before you then you wont have to miss him. no mom he's older than me so he will die first.


Friday, August 5, 2011

Getting Lost in Fiction

Well I have been loving reading my book by Danielle Steele. Big Girl, is a good book. I like her writing style. I'm almost done with the book and I just started it this weekend. Pretty good for a gal that does not usually read. I have even by-passed movies and t.v. to read.

I like to be thinking about this book versus the boring life that I am currently living. Aside from my kids, my life is pretty boring. I can only make it so exciting right now with kids and finances the way that they are so this escape is nice. Plus hobbies have always been a challenge for me. What do I like to do? Nothing! Well that's not true but I don't journal, scrapbook, collect anything. I love movies and eating. Trying not to eat lately as I am down 11 plus pounds and doing good on that track. So I watch a ton of movies. That's not the best for me either. I've done a lot of swimming for the kids, love going to the river and beaches with them.

Thinking of hobbies that I would like to get more into as time and finances allow and kids get older. I would love to go back to pilates and get back into that membership. That was fun and good exercise. I would like to get back to walking more often. Once I get my nerves in check it would be fun to try and get involved in the community ed's volleyball once a week in the winter. I would like to get all the pic's of my family from all the various sources I've got them saved and actually put them books for them to look over. For now that's all I can think of..... my list will grow.

I think it's funny, I'm 36 and I don't really know myself. I've always been a mom! Since I was 20 all I've thought about is what should I do with Krissy. Now it's what should I do with Krissy, Gideon and Gabriel? Before I was 20, all I wanted to do was grow up and be an adult and have a family. As I get older and older, I get to know myself more and more. I love my kids and I am such a better person for them, I have done so much that I wouldn't have done otherwise. So I am very happy that I have them, I will be one of those parents when they grow up that is lost.

So maybe it's good that I find myself a little now, so it's not so hard when they leave. ;0) And I think I will go and check out another Danielle Steele this weekend for when this book is done!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Two Weeks and Counting

It's been two weeks on meds. This week I am no where near as tired as I was last week! Thankfully! I have not had to nap this week at all. Most of the side effects I believe are fading and I am feeling pretty good. I do still have anxiety and those symptoms but they are getting better. I am really hoping by four to six weeks, I can say I have relief completely. ;0) I need to call and make my re-check with my doctor.

This weekend was rainy and then hot and humid. I just hate even stepping foot outside with the steam like we had sunday. So I waited until the sun set to go out. The kids had neighborhood friends that came over to play. I cannot say enough how blessed these friends have been for my kids as I've been falling apart this summer these kids have given my kids something to do. Something would even rather do than hang with mom, so at least I haven't looked sick in my kids eyes. I hope they don't look bad on me and talk about how life with mom was always a planned event so she wouldn't be too nervous. I hope they aren't learning my coping skills in a bad way. Most of what I've learned is to tell my kids not to be too stubborn and get help as soon as you can! My sister told me if I broke my arm would I refuse a cast? Good point!

Saturday when it rained I took the kids to an indoor play park. They were excited. I was happy to get out of the house and I did it without taking my hubby. He's my crutch, if something happens he can help me. He can take care of the kids or drive if absolutely necessary. But this time, he stayed home. And I did it! For me in this moment of my life this was big.

I texted my family and friends with my accomplishment. Funny.

This week I also took up reading a Danielle Steele novel. I saw her on t.v. and thought she's written so many books. I should try one. So I went to the library and I checked one out! It's called, "Big Girl." I'm about halfway through, so it must be working on getting my mind on another fictional fun thing. I don't usually read much but I think I may more. I may just start here and read through her books as a goal. Then try something else. Seems like the fiction for me is better at this point so I can get lost in what I know is absolutely not true versus the self help or real books. I just can't take any more information right now!