A miracle! That’s what I feel has happened.

Sometimes you pray and I can feel like I have this faith like a mustard seed and I can move this mountain if all I do is believe, just ask and you will receive. The bible says this and I believe it with all my heart. So when I prayed this one time for my husband’s sake, God didn’t move my mountain. God didn’t answer my prayer in the way that I had asked. But I had used such conviction that this was one promise from the bible that would be answered and I almost didn’t have any doubt. So what went wrong???

I lost a little faith that day. I can’t really describe the feeling, just a huge disappointment, I wasn’t asking for too much, in my opinion. It brought me to really question this whole existence, what is the point? I’ve always asked what my purpose is on this earth and never really felt led in any direction. Is my life even doing a service to the Lord? Maybe it is true that this world is not my home and I will never find peace in it. The bible says so much.

I can only speak on my experience. Why I love the Lord with all my heart and soul. What he has done for me during some of my darkest moments, that is why I believe. During those times, he wasn’t shouting or leading me (that I know) and I wasn’t always sure what I should do. But when I looked back on how he took care of my rent when I had no way to pay it or when I looked back on the daily pain I struggled with on whether I could keep the child that I was holding and in the end knowing the decision to give him up was the right one and the peace and the feelings that went into the end at labor and delivery and continuing on through this day. I see God all over my life. I see how he put me in touch with the right people and put me in the right places. And it’s so hard when your going through these difficult times that seem to last forever to remind yourself that something will happen to get you through. I wish God were just right here, telling me what to do.

God has blessed my family so much with the recent challenges my husband has been going through. The amount of support and love from family and friends and even unexpected bonds with neighbors that I had no idea would be there. The amount of people praying for us during this time, was so abundant that I feel like I could literally feel the arms around us, holding us up. God has answered my prayer big time. And I just want to tell everyone and share with everyone. For all the times God has said no, or not answered the way I had expected, makes this answer to pray so sweet. An unexplainable joy.

Some days I do feel like giving up on the Lord and this whole belief system. I think that’s normal. We are only human and none of this makes sense. Some day I do believe it will all make sense. When I look back at my journey this far, I see myself as a better person. I do see my faith getting stronger each time.

I can say that my life even though I have no idea what my purpose is, maybe part of my purpose is each trial and what happens and what I can say at the end. And maybe that will influence my child or my friend. Maybe I can help lift someone else up at another time. And then my life would not be for nothing.

There is still challenges ahead and we are not completely out of the woods. I feel so much better and stronger for this next part of the journey.