patience.....

it is frustrating trying a new medication and waiting for it to work! i'm supposed to give it 2 to 4 weeks to work. in the mean time i am tired, sometimes nauseated, shakey and sometimes sweaty. ugh!

i have some fast acting meds in the mean time that really helps keep me sane. so i am excited to finally be doing something for myself and on some days feel pretty good but then other days i just want to be on the other side already!

i have lived this long without and it should be a piece of cake but i am done waiting to be patient!

and the fear of what if this doesn't work? lately those fears have crept in. trying to be positive. and its a week and a half so far, pray for me!

i am using my phone to blog so i cant do caps that well! sorrym

Two Days Down

Well I am done with two days of taking meds. I'm only on a half dose to start with the first three days. Things have gone pretty good. I was feeling a little icky yesterday but nothing terrible. And even was able to go out after work with the family on some errands and felt really good.

This morning started well. I feel okay and got on my way. Now at work, I am not feeling soooooo good. I want to throw up. contemplating about doing it is making it worse. Being at work makes it worse cause you know you can't just go home and lay down. Should I just throw up? Will that make things better or worse? I'm waiting to see what my sister says. She has gone through all of this before and would have a better idea. I'm such a baby. I'm trying to keep busy and not think about any side effects but all I can do it focus on my body and why I feel this way or that. Why can't I just relax into it and try to seem to enjoy it. Ugh. Making me crazy!

Wonder what it will be like tomorrow night when I go to the full dose. Wish me luck!

Night Time is Lonely

Everyone is asleep. And they look so peaceful. I am wide awake and praying for sleep. If I could just sleep then I could feel a lot less stressful. I get up and go to the bathroom, I get water. I lay down, I toss and turn. I feel my body resting but my mind won't let go. Why?? I try my breathing exercises. I try praying. I try being calm and not thinking of anything. Seems to help. But my body, it just doesn't want to give it up. I can feel every muscle tighten and stress. My heart is racing and pumping so much, I contemplate waking Dj up and having him bring me to the hospital.

I just want to sleep. I just want to be like everyone else in America and sleep! What is wrong with me?

Next night. Surely I will sleep tonight as I am beyond tired. But that sleep anxiety is kicking in. It literally does not feel good to even lay down. I try. I get interuppted a few times by the kids. Eventually I hear them all fall asleep one by one. And then I'm still there, my body resting, my mind wide awake.

On tuesday morning, I decided ENOUGH! I called and made an appointment to the doctor. I got to see an LPN. She was very nice. She specializes in womens' issues and a lot of depression/anxiety cases come through there. We decided on a medication to try. In the mean time I have some larezapam to help me for times when I am really stressed and waiting for the other med to kick in.

I felt so much better coming out of there yesterday. Like I finally made this decision to take control of my life. To stop being paralyzed by every activity that I would like to do but don't cause of my comfort level. I felt a ton better just based off of that. And then I tried the larazepam and felt even better.

I slept last night. And I hope to continue to sleep each night. The side effects so far aren't too bad, but I hope it doesn't get worse through the next two weeks. If I can just get past that, then I will feel so much better. Just hold on......


Finally free..............

Just Saw This

After my last post, I checked my email and this is the newsletter from my favorite church. It really spoke to me about my last post. Does it make anything better in my life, not yet but I would rather live in a world with love and color. I love how they phrase that!




E-Thought::
God and Suffering
Jeff Groen


“The fact of suffering undoubtedly constitutes the single greatest challenge to the Christian faith, and has been in every generation. Its distribution and degree appear to be entirely random and therefore unfair. Sensitive spirits ask if it can possibly be reconciled with God’s justice and love.” John Stott

Portions of the chapter written by Peter Kreeft:
“Now the classic defense of God against the problem of evil is that it’s not logically possible to have FREE WILL and no possibility of moral evil. In other words, once God chose to create human beings with free will, then it was up to them, rather than God, as to whether there was sin or not. That’s what free will means. Built into the situation of God deciding to created human beings is the chance of evil and, consequently, the suffering that results.

“It’s a self-contradiction – a meaningless nothing – to have a world where there’s real choice while at the same time no possibility of choosing evil. To ask why God didn’t create such a world is like asking why God didn’t create colorless color or round squares.

“The source of evil is not God’s power but mankind’s freedom. Even an all-powerful God could not have created a world in which people had genuine freedom and yet there was no potentiality for sin, because our freedom includes the possibility of sin within its own meaning.

“Why didn’t God create a world without human freedom? Because that would have been a world without humans. Would it have been a place without hate? Yes. A place without suffering? Yes. But also would have been a world without love, which is the highest value in the universe. That highest good never could have been experienced. Real love- our love of God and our love for each other – must involve a choice. But with the granting of that choice comes the possibility that people would choose instead to hate.”

“If there is a God, why is there so much evil? If there is no God, why is there so much good?” St. Augustine

“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ (freely) laid down his life for us. And we ought (freely chose) to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.” 1 John 3:16

All of this challenges me to choose LOVE, as much as I can, with as many as I can.

Frustrated

I am really frustrated. When considering to move back to our house or continue to rent, we decided to save money we would move back to the house. And that way we could save while we waiting for our court date. HOWEVER......

Now that we're in the process of moving. The landlord is being an ass and giving us a hard time being done. We gave a month notice that when the lease was done we would be done. He just let us know that we signed a lease stating we'd give a two month notice when we decided to leave and he could hold us to two more months of rent. Oh and cause we didn't turn in the official letter giving notice, even though we called, until after the holiday on the 5th of July that is why he could hold us to August and September rent. He agreed to show our apt to a few interested renters to see if we could get out of the next two months. What the heck??? Our lease is done and there is no official month to month lease but he can hold us to two more months rent? Really? Well I need to check our state's renters rights on that one. Crazy! I figured the high damage deposit we paid in the beginning can just be his then if he wants to do it that way. I have no intention of paying two more months. Forget that.

Then my tooth starts to really ache and I'm on ibuprofin for that round the clock. So I can no longer ignore that. Find out I need the root canal, see previous blog. So I fix that and I still need to pay the 20% on what my insurance doesn't cover. And now my insurance is at it's max so for the crown, I need to pay out of pocket for that. Nice, payment plan for $1400.

Something seems to be going wrong with our medical and food benefits too. I'm not sure what, I called my case worker to see what was happening. So far no call back, wonder if she will call at all? There are times when she has been known not to call me back. So waiting to see if anything arrives in the mail indicating what is wrong. We never got renewal paperwork so it can't be that. I didn't think the government shut down affected these benefits so I don't know. And not knowing is frustrating. So we may have a few extra bucks this month for moving to the house but that all goes out the window on groceries until we figure out the benefits.

So thinking of all these things that have arisen. And thinking of getting the kids ready for back to school next month with supplies and hopefully a few clothes. Is making me sick. I am trying not to worry about it all at once. Praying that one by one we'll be fine and make it. Sad that some of the things we wanted to try this summer like a waterpark, camping, crystal cave etc. etc. will most likely be put on hold again. Yet again...... cause we need to hold on to all the money we can.

My hubby applied for a railroad job that his friend told him about. I guess they are hiring. I'll be the driver for him for a while on that. More stress there. But hey at least it would be a job. Now just to get him hired for it or for something!

Just when I thought my life would be less stressful. We would have a little more money to save and maybe do a fun thing here and there. Why???!!! Why is it that my life is always so full of these ups and downs. Does this happen with everyone and no one ever shares? Or am I really just destined to be punished for something the rest of my existence. I know that sounds really dramatic but when you go from one bad thing to another, or so it seems, it's just crazy!

There has to be a reason. I have tried to look for it and understand it. I just can't seem to find an answer to it. So I just gotta keep doing one day at a time. When I look back on my whole life though, I see it is one struggle or challenge to another. Having my hubby in my life makes it that much more dramatic, two peoples lives together makes for one heck of a run.

And trying to just make changes to better my life and my family's lives, it just seems like I never get very far. I keep looking for a better job or another job. I keep trying to find programs or assistance. I keep trying. When you can't make your hubby or partner do something that you think is in the best interest, it's a difficult battle.

Well no need for comments, I am just venting and needing to blog. Thanks for listening!

Post Endo

I survived!

I really tried to arrive to my appointment with a positive attitude. I brought my hubby along to help me keep my mind in a good place. He was wonderfully encouraging for me, so glad that he was there.

I listened to music, I asked for the gas and I was fine. I hate sitting in the chair for so long but to be fair the whole process was pretty quick. Any time I felt something he was good to give me a shot of pain relief. I was surprised cause I was sooooo numb but every once in a while I would feel something and even before I moaned he knew and asked if I felt something and gave me a shot.

I think my last three fillings that I had were a lot harder than this, this was fine. So to all of you that have to have a root canal! It's totally fine.

This coming from the most nervous and anxious person alive. Based on my consultation they kept offering me a prescription for something like valium. I turned it down cause it makes me feel so weird and I would have been a basket case for sure. So see, you can do it too!

I have some post op ache which I expect to clear soon. But it's nice to drink cold or hot liquids and not have that awful sensitivity.

He did say that I had a lot of bleeding once they were in there, indicating inflammation. So good thing I got in. Bad news, the tooth in front of this one had some sensitivity issues in my consultation and if after all this heals I still have some pain etc. I may have to do another one on that tooth. Ugh. Praying not until next year at earliest. I still need to get a crown on top of this one, and I'm at my max for the year with insurance. So I gotta pay for that one! So here's hoping I won't have to do anything until next year!

Weekend Frolicking

This weekend was fabulous! I guess so far every weekend has been pretty great for me this summer. It is soooooooo nice to have monday and tuesday off during summer. I get this incredible four day weekend. It is hard to go back to work on wednesdays but hey, I love this time. And I love no schedules or routines.

The kids have been staying up way too late. Usually midnight every night. Every night I tell myself we will get them to bed earlier and then when the time rolls around, it's just not time to go to bed. And the only down fall is that I don't get much time to myself at night. But my kids this summer are doing so great at playing with friends and themselves that between going to the beach or whatever fun thing we have decided to do for the day, they are doing their own thing giving me a little more free time then I have experienced in years. So this age and summer has been really good.

We have sucked on keeping the kids reading and writing for school. I fear they will be behind. Especially as Gideon struggles with reading. Again I keep telling myself we will carve out time today and then something always changes. June is already over! I cannot believe how fast time flies when your having so much fun.

I just applied for a full time job. It's with a dental office for scheduling. I didn't really want to go back to customer service as I really love the administrative assistant. I just have had no luck applying and sending my resume out! Why doesn't any one want to hire me???? ;0) This clinic is actually my own dental office and I thought what the heck. It's full time, it's right by me. I could do this and save on gas! So wish me luck.

The fourth of July was fun! We had a BBQ. How many does that make this year??? Oh well, we love it. We had Dj's brother and family over, My best friend and her son over and my parents. It was a blast. The food was wonderful, thanks to my wonderful husband! It was nice enough to sit in the shade in the front and eat. We tried some homemade wine from Rick and Cheryl. It was very, very good! Now Dj is getting the bug to try his hand at that! Fun...... The kids played so hard with their cousin and Cody. It was a good time for them. They even got the chance to go to Alexandria with Uncle Rick and Auntie Cheryl for a few days. So that gives me and my hubby time alone!

It's been fun. We went to lunch at Subway and ran errands. Paid our last month of rent at the rental. Now to move back to the house. Funny how I was so homesick for the house and now I'm feeling sentimental about the apt and leaving. Plus I hate moving! Then Krissy and I enjoyed a nice walk in the beautiful weather. Dj and I made homemade alfredo sauce and then ate a nice chicken and tortelleni dinner. Rented a bunch of movies to watch. Went to the thrift store, found a pretty summer dress and a pair of capri's. Stayed up too late and then had to work today.

Not sure how else we can take advantage of our time without the little boys. I really miss them however. I worry about how much they eating and drinking and if they'll say what they need to their aunt and uncle. I hear about the fun day they have been having and it sounds great! So far so good.

We'll pick them up this weekend, only a few more days. I'll post pictures later! I have a couple.

Wish me luck for tomorrow, I see the Endodontist for my consultation. Not too nervous as it's just the consultation. Treat myself to an iced mocha afterwards since it's right by his office.