Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Night Time is Lonely

Everyone is asleep. And they look so peaceful. I am wide awake and praying for sleep. If I could just sleep then I could feel a lot less stressful. I get up and go to the bathroom, I get water. I lay down, I toss and turn. I feel my body resting but my mind won't let go. Why?? I try my breathing exercises. I try praying. I try being calm and not thinking of anything. Seems to help. But my body, it just doesn't want to give it up. I can feel every muscle tighten and stress. My heart is racing and pumping so much, I contemplate waking Dj up and having him bring me to the hospital.

I just want to sleep. I just want to be like everyone else in America and sleep! What is wrong with me?

Next night. Surely I will sleep tonight as I am beyond tired. But that sleep anxiety is kicking in. It literally does not feel good to even lay down. I try. I get interuppted a few times by the kids. Eventually I hear them all fall asleep one by one. And then I'm still there, my body resting, my mind wide awake.

On tuesday morning, I decided ENOUGH! I called and made an appointment to the doctor. I got to see an LPN. She was very nice. She specializes in womens' issues and a lot of depression/anxiety cases come through there. We decided on a medication to try. In the mean time I have some larezapam to help me for times when I am really stressed and waiting for the other med to kick in.

I felt so much better coming out of there yesterday. Like I finally made this decision to take control of my life. To stop being paralyzed by every activity that I would like to do but don't cause of my comfort level. I felt a ton better just based off of that. And then I tried the larazepam and felt even better.

I slept last night. And I hope to continue to sleep each night. The side effects so far aren't too bad, but I hope it doesn't get worse through the next two weeks. If I can just get past that, then I will feel so much better. Just hold on......

Finally free..............


  1. Aww my sister I am so very happy for you! I cannot imagine living life under that much stress or anxiety; it just seems unreal at times when I hear how much you've suffered. I am very happy that you have chosen to take the next step and get this under control through medication. I love you my sista, take care and I'll continue to pray for you.

  2. Good for you! It can be very liberating to take that first step! :-D