So this weekend I had a couple of mom moments. Ones that I would like to forget and wonder if my kids ever will.
One was with my daughter, 16 and a wonderful girl. We bumped heads we'll say this weekend and I got really angry. I let her know all the things that I currently allow, I could take all away and make her more like her friends parents. For example, delete facebook, take away her cell phone, make her come home afterschool and some other stuff.
My son, Gideon was also having a time this weekend. He was playing with his spit, it's hard to describe. But he somehow can make spit come out of his mouth and then it dangles to a certain degree and then he sucks it back up. Oh just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. So I have asked him not to do this and last night again I asked him to stop. He then blatantly does it in front of me and smiles about it. So again I get mad that he's being so disrespectful on purpose. He's almost 8 and he knows what he's doing. No way would he do that for dad! So I disciplined him. Then he gets super mad at me. Runs to the living room and starts throwing stuff on the floor. So I follow him and tell him to now pick it all up and go to his room. He picks it all up and on the way to his room tells me that I'm always so mean to him. Like I never do anything like this to Gabe or Kris. Ok..... well in fact I tell him that I did it just yesterday to Gabe but he must not have been paying attention. Little drama king. Then later when he cooled down, I went to try and talk with him and give him some love to let him know that it's over and I love him. But he pulls away from me. Purposely. And then I let him cause I feel like it's valid that he is still upset but at least he's being respectful. And then at bed time, boom, when we're laughing and goofing around and finish praying then he won't let me kiss him goodnight. Some of this is that he's not comfortable as much with me hugging on him and kissing him. I was similiar as a child so I want to be respectful. Oh but my heart. It just breaks thinking that my kids are still holding it against me. Some day maybe they will understand but for now, it's hard.
So it just makes me question my parenting. Am I doing what I should be? Am I doing enough of what I should be when I should be, probably not. I lack like any parent in some areas and I know it. I could do so much better. And with my 16 year old and her decisions I think, where does this come from? Didn't I raise her differently? I have really failed her.
I just had to vent. I love my kids with my soul. I only want what is best for them. I hurt when we go through these times even though I know it's for their good. And someday I pray they see it through my eyes. I just hope they see that my love for them is stronger than the little bad times. And I'll never understand the boy in my sons. Good that they have their father around to help me understand. I am thankful for that.