Friday, April 15, 2011


Anxiety sucks…. If you suffer from anxiety for more than a few years, I guess it’s considered depression. I don’t know for a fact, but that’s what I hear. Now I think there is a difference between them.

I have been nervous about everything for as long as I can remember. As an elementary aged child, I would have stomaches all the time and begged my mom to keep me home from school. I can remember pacing around in the coat area where we hung up our coats, just pacing from nerves trying to compose myself enough to go back to my seat.

As a high school student, I remember running from bathroom to bathroom when I was nervous trying to find one that was empty so I could be alone for a few minutes. I also suffered from bouts of IBS, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. And I wouldn’t ever want any one to be in the same bathroom for fear of tremendous bullying.

As an adult, it comes and goes in different forms. I no longer suffer from IBS as much any more, now it’s just bouts of panic attacks. Feeling like I’m going to faint, feeling like I’ll go crazy if I don’t get out of this place. It gets so bad at times, I stay at home so I don’t have to face another moment of being nervous. I still have to work, so of course I muster up all of the things I have learned to cope through the years. Telling myself positive thoughts, letting myself know that if I was going to faint I would have fainted by now and confronting the panic head on, breathing in through my nose to the count of four and out through my mouth to the count of four. Ahh so many techniques.

I got desperate once to go to the doctor. She wanted to put me on prozac, I guess because it’s not anxiety for a period of time but all my life, she put me more in the depression category. I tried those meds for a week, and I got sick and was throwing up and then it took days for it to leave my system. I saw a therapist at my clinic and she was so unhelpful, I just said forget it. I was too nervous to try any other drugs for the adverse reactions, I really have trouble with prescription medication, they just make me sick most of the time.

So that brings me to now. I still don’t desire going and finding the right medication. I don’t feel depressed so to speak. Sure my life has challenges and stresses but I also feel pretty good and don’t feel like I am a depressed person by nature. I just can’t get the nerves under control though. And it’s really driving me insane. Just to go to the coffee shop with my mom, I had so much nervous energy about it. And why??? I don’t even know. Fear of nothing and everything. I hate feeling crazy. It’s not everyday and all the time, otherwise I would literally go crazy. This time it feels so different. I really do feel foggy in my head. I really do feel a little dizzy. When I am sitting here and looking at my surroundings it does feel surreal, almost not real. It concerns me. Part of me thinks that last week, I had a great week. I felt strong and then all of that stress from my hubby’s incidents combined with Krissy’s birthday party and the planning and getting of things for the party. Until finally the party happened and it was wonderful. Then when she got her piercing and I was nervous for that to happen, then bam it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I figured I was just tired from non-stop going and doing.

And maybe that is all it is, but I just want to sit here and cry and go home. I don’t want to be at work. I can’t handle going anywhere. Just to drive to my house, is hard cause I hate driving. I want to stay in bed all weekend and pray that I feel better by Monday. I’m so sick of feeling this way. Too scared to go to the doctor. It’s so crazy.

1 comment:

  1. Holy buckets dudey, I didn't know you felt like this...
    I would definitely go to the doctor and maybe even print this off for them to read. This is concerning to me, because I didn't know it was this bad for you.
    As far as the medicine goes, I'm sure it’s just a matter of controlling the right dosage for you and they could start out with a small dosage and work their way up because of your drug sensitivity. But this is no way to live your life at all; you deserve more and deserve relief from your fears and anxiety! I’ll pray you get the help you need for sure.