Thursday, March 3, 2011

It's Raining

What do you do when your life is falling apart?

How do you experience a loss, a death, an unexpected illness, a job loss, anything in stride? When everyone around you is moving at such a fast pace and everything is good for them, you feel like your stuck in that one spot and you want to yell, "hey don't you see me, I'm drowning!"

Rely on God. Pray. Go to your faith. I often wonder when I'm singing the lyrics to my favorite christian songs in church and I'm so moved by the words. I really feel them in that moment. I really mean them in that moment. I'd give it all up for you, Lord....... and you think that too. If I lost everything, all my possesions it would be okay. The Lord would make it all okay. I've lost my house, my cars, jobs, loved ones and more and I can tell you that in that time, I held tight to it all. I thought about those words to my songs and thought, this is not as easy as I had thought. I don't really want to lose it. I need it. It's so painful.

How much loss can a person take? The Lord only gives you what you can bear. So interesting. I feel like I can't bear anymore. This life is one disaster to another and in between you get gifts of some happy memories. Is that really enough to make it through those disasters.

I just feel like I am so alone. And I don't know how to shake that. No matter who I tell or how much support I get, I'm still so alone. I do feel like the Lord is watching over me, but I really wish he'd shine a spotlight on the path I'm supposed to follow.

I feel betrayed. If when I decided to follow the Lord I would have been told the road would be like this, would I have still done it? I don't think people really get it when the bible talks about taking up your cross. And yet life could be so much worse.

I just wish I could laugh and feel normal. I know over time this will happen again. I just wish God would make that peace so loud inside me.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my precious sister who I love soo deeply, I wish I could be there to hold your hand and have you lay your head upon my chest so I could comfort you and rub your back and whisper in your ear that you are never alone.
    You are a survivor among many yet walk a lonely road, when you pass over this great ocean of worry and end up on your feet on dry land you will feel the amazing amount of love and peace wash over you yet again.
    You will have a scar on your heart from all this pain you've suffered never forgetting what you've been through but you will begin to heal again and you will smile earnestly from deep inside shinning bright like a star!
    You were made in the image of our one true God and you were meant to be much better than what you feel life has defined you as.
    I am living proof of the grace God has on his children and I would have never thought I would be living life differently in the worst of my days. I honestly thought I was going to die in my inadequacies and failures but God had such great big wonderful things in store for me like he does for you too.
    Just continue to hang in and buckle up for the rest of the ride until things get better, I promise you that life is NOT made up of the things you’re going through with great memories in between. Life is worthwhile and enjoyable and you will feel joy again, just don’t give up knowing that.