What do you do when your life is falling apart?
How do you experience a loss, a death, an unexpected illness, a job loss, anything in stride? When everyone around you is moving at such a fast pace and everything is good for them, you feel like your stuck in that one spot and you want to yell, "hey don't you see me, I'm drowning!"
Rely on God. Pray. Go to your faith. I often wonder when I'm singing the lyrics to my favorite christian songs in church and I'm so moved by the words. I really feel them in that moment. I really mean them in that moment. I'd give it all up for you, Lord....... and you think that too. If I lost everything, all my possesions it would be okay. The Lord would make it all okay. I've lost my house, my cars, jobs, loved ones and more and I can tell you that in that time, I held tight to it all. I thought about those words to my songs and thought, this is not as easy as I had thought. I don't really want to lose it. I need it. It's so painful.
How much loss can a person take? The Lord only gives you what you can bear. So interesting. I feel like I can't bear anymore. This life is one disaster to another and in between you get gifts of some happy memories. Is that really enough to make it through those disasters.
I just feel like I am so alone. And I don't know how to shake that. No matter who I tell or how much support I get, I'm still so alone. I do feel like the Lord is watching over me, but I really wish he'd shine a spotlight on the path I'm supposed to follow.
I feel betrayed. If when I decided to follow the Lord I would have been told the road would be like this, would I have still done it? I don't think people really get it when the bible talks about taking up your cross. And yet life could be so much worse.
I just wish I could laugh and feel normal. I know over time this will happen again. I just wish God would make that peace so loud inside me.